


Local Brit regrets wanting heaven, more at 10

by EvenSpeedWeedisAfraid



Series: Irkalla Chatfic Shenanigans [2]
Category: Hiveswap, Homestuck, Mortal Kombat (Video Games), Reservoir Dogs (1992), Star vs. The Forces Of Evil, ジョジョの奇妙な冒険 | JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken | JoJo's Bizarre Adventure
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Explicit Language, Gen, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, chat fic, dio is horny on main, ships are there but not the focus
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2019-09-26 15:45:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17144570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvenSpeedWeedisAfraid/pseuds/EvenSpeedWeedisAfraid
Summary: DIO: I, DIO, have elected to make use of this Discord application so that I, DIO, may relay my words to you more efficiently.Realg4m3rhours1337: lmaoo this is epic let's get that victory royale gamersGUUDO: Telence, you are theworst.----Dio and his minions try (and fail) to achieve Heaven. Or, alternatively, Dio regrets his choice of minions more and more with each passing day.





	1. Bad Company

**Author's Note:**

> The involved characters, and their respective display names, are:  
> DIO  
> Gamzee Makara - terminallyCapricious  
> N'Doul - Ray Charles  
> Oyecomova - Mi Ritmo  
> Enrico Pucci - Kabutomushi  
> Telence T. D'Arby - Realg4m3rhours1337  
> Daniel J. D'Arby - GUUDO  
> Mr. Blonde - Stuck in the Middle  
> Toffee - ToffeeHouse  
> Lanque Bombyx - SilkySmooth

**DIO** has added **terminallyCapricious** , **Kabutomushi** , **Ray Charles** , **ToffeeHouse** , and 5 others to server **"Stairway to Heaven."**

**DIO** : I, DIO, have elected to make use of this Discord application so that I, DIO, may relay my words to you more efficiently.  
**Realg4m3rhours1337** : lmaoo this is epic let's get that victory royale gamers  
**GUUDO** : Telence, you are the _worst_.  
**Ray Charles** : Now I may be blind but even I can see how annoying Telence is being right now  
**Kabutomushi** : Lord DIO, I'm sorry if this sounds doubtful, but are you sure this is a good idea?  
**Mi Ritmo** : better than getting all of us in one room. i'd blow up everyone, with how much you people piss me off.  
**Stuck in the Middle** : You gonna bark all day, little doggie? Or are ya gonna bite?  
**ToffeeHouse** : Vic, don't try and start something with Oyecomova, please.  
**terminallyCapricious** : he'll all up and start some motherfuckin shit all he wants.  
**terminallyCapricious** : BECAUSE THAT'S ALL A MOTHERFUCKIN BROTHER FUCKIN KNOWS.  
**terminallyCapricious** : honk. :o)  
**SilkySmooth** : Well, I see We're off to a fantastic start.  
**DIO** : I, DIO, am starting to regret setting this room up already.

\-----

**DIO** : _@SilkySmooth_ Was there any reason for what you were doing in that room with the Cuban?  
**SilkySmooth** : He Wanted the cocaine, and I gaVe it to him. What's the problem?  
**DIO** : You were trying to bed him, were you not?  
**SilkySmooth** : I, um.  
**GUUDO** : I'm definitely not surprised that he'd do that.  
**Stuck in the Middle** : I know Lanque's pretty confident in the department, but he does like to lie about it being his first time.  
**Mi Ritmo** : every single time.  
**DIO** : Lanque. Did you have sexual relations with Mr. Blonde and Oyecomova?  
**SilkySmooth** : UM.  
**ToffeeHouse** : Dio. Are you _really_ the kind of person to judge people over bedding others?  
**ToffeeHouse** : Don't you remember the day we met? And you were shirtless and offering me eternity and shit?  
**Realg4m3rhours1337** : that gay shit  
**GUUDO** : Telence, shut the hell up and go back to playing your SNES.  
**DIO** : Yes, do shut up.  
**DIO** : Toffee, shirtless is my default mode. I, DIO, was not trying to court you.  
**Kabutomushi** : Lord DIO?  
**DIO** : Okay, maybe I, DIO, _was_ trying to court you.  
**Ray Charles** : Honestly I think the only person here that didn't get in DIO's bed is Daniel  
**GUUDO** : Was he trying to flirt with me? I thought he was trying to fuck up my poker game.  
**terminallyCapricious** : i haven't been in Dio's motherfuckin bed either.  
**terminallyCapricious** : HE COULDN'T MOTHERFUCKIN HANDLE ME ANYWAY.  
**Ray Charles** : So that's two people  
**Kabutomushi** : Lord DIO, Lanque is offline.  
**DIO** : I hate you people _so much_ sometimes. Not you though, Pucci. You're a blessing, my friend.  
**Kabutomushi** : My pleasure, king amongst kings.


	2. Modern Romance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Mi Ritmo** : merry christmas, you're gonna bone.  
>  **Stuck in the Middle** : That's the true meaning of Christmas right there, fellas.
> 
> \----  
> DIO and his guys celebrate Christmas. Kinda.

**Kabutomushi** : May you all have a merry Christmas!  
**Ray Charles** : I have no idea how many people here even celebrate Christmas, Pucci  
**SilkySmooth** : If it's anything like 12th Perigee's eVe, then yes. I do celebrate.  
**terminallyCapricious** : you all up and motherfuckin bet i celebrate.  
**terminallyCapricious** : WHAT KIND OF MOTHERFUCKER DOESN'T.  
**Stuck in the Middle** : I dunno, Jews? Do you even have those?  
**SilkySmooth** : I think there Was one JeWish troll once. Probably dead by noW.  
**Mi Ritmo** : wow, you're pretty casual about it. but then again, you're casual about everything.  
**Realg4m3rhours1337** : like how much dick you take lmao  
**GUUDO** : Telence, I will beat you over the head with your Atari 2600 if you don't _shut your goddamn mouth_.  
**DIO** : _@everyone_ All of you shut up, because I, DIO, am going to chose who is getting a present from I, DIO, this year.  
**DIO** : Okay, and so the lucky recipient is.  
**DIO** : _@ToffeeHouse_ Take a look in your personal messages for your present.  
**ToffeeHouse** : Dio. What the _hell_ , man.  
**Kabutomushi** : Lord DIO, what did you do?  
**ToffeeHouse** : Lemme answer for him, Pucci.  
**ToffeeHouse** : He sent me a picture, of himself. In bed. Half-naked. With a mistletoe hanging above his head.  
**ToffeeHouse** : The text attached was: "Your gift is I, DIO. Come and claim it." Followed by a heart emoji.  
**Realg4m3rhours1337** : LMAOOOOO  
**SilkySmooth** : WoW. And you people complain When _I_ act promiscuously.  
**Kabutomushi** : Lord DIO, did you really do that?  
**DIO** : Yes. And the offer still stands, Toffee.  
**ToffeeHouse** : ...  
**ToffeeHouse** : Fine.  
**Mi Ritmo** : merry christmas, you're gonna bone.  
**Stuck in the Middle** : That's the true meaning of Christmas right there, fellas.  
**Kabutomushi** : You guys need Jesus.  
**GUUDO** : For once, I agree. There's a desperate need of Jesus in here. A Jesus that _doesn't_ fuck lizards, preferably.


	3. Yell 'Dead Cell'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **GUUDO** : God, you should have seen how bad he was this morning.  
>  **SilkySmooth** : HoW bad Was it?  
>  **GUUDO** : He was basically in a cocoon of his own controller cords, tears of rage streaming down his face, his beehive hairdo all sideways, while yelling deliriously about... how did he put it again?  
>  **GUUDO** : _"I'm the video game boy! I am the one who wins!"_
> 
> \----  
> Daniel J. D'Arby recounts his morning to his pals.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last upload of 2018!   
> To everyone who reads these dumb things, thank you so much. Have a happy new year, and we'll see each other again in 2019!

**Mi Ritmo** : it's really quiet in here.  
 **SilkySmooth** : Yeah, usually there's at least tWo or three others on.  
 **Stuck in the Middle** : I think the others are trying to break something up downstairs. I think it has something to do with Telence.  
 **GUUDO** : Oh, you better goddamn _believe_ that it has to do with Telence.  
 **GUUDO** : Bastard's been up all damn night trying to do this one really hard level on Super Mario Maker or whatever this one's called.  
 **Stuck in the Middle** : So... it's about one of those Mario games? Isn't your brother supposed to be some kinda quintessential gamer?  
 **GUUDO** : Yeah, but _apparently_ , this Dan Salvato fella thinks otherwise!  
 **GUUDO** : God, you should have seen how bad he was this morning.  
 **SilkySmooth** : HoW bad Was it?  
 **GUUDO** : He was basically in a cocoon of his own controller cords, tears of rage streaming down his face, his beehive hairdo all sideways, while yelling deliriously about... how did he put it again?  
 **GUUDO** : _"I'm the video game boy! I am the one who wins!"_  
 **Mi Ritmo** : oh god, i remember. i was unable to sleep for like _an hour_ this morning because of his bullshit.  
 **GUUDO** : So me, Pucci, Gamzee and N'Doul kept trying to stop him, but he never let up!  
 **GUUDO** : Pucci tried to exorcise him, Gamzee attempted to make him drink some Faygo, and N'Doul started recounting the tale of his life.  
 **GUUDO** : And Telence, the absolute psychopath, just _whapped_ us with the controllers that were wrapped around himself.  
 **GUUDO** : Toffee and Dio came in a few hours later, at the zenith of Telence's fuckery. Dio got him to stop.  
 **Stuck in the Middle** : Talk about a Deus ex Machina, right?  
 **GUUDO** : The best one I've seen so far. He just looked him in the face, told him that he can do it, and wouldn't you know, the quintessential gamer finally came back and beat the damn level!  
 **ToffeeHouse** : Yeah... it's pretty impressive how compelling Dio can be.  
 **Kabutomushi** : That's very true, Toffee.  
 **Mi Ritmo** : about time you guys showed up. where's Dio?  
 **DIO** : I, DIO, am here now.  
 **SilkySmooth** : What Were you tWo eVen doing all this time?  
 **DIO** : Lanque, you know perfectly well what Toffee was doing with I, DIO.  
 **ToffeeHouse** : Can you maybe _not_ put this out there like that, Dio?


	4. Nasty Majesty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **ToffeeHouse** : Why do you keep reminding him that you aren't with _him_ , but with _me_? Why do you bring about so much strife in his heart?
> 
> \--------  
> Toffee sets some things straight with Dio about their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a bit different, as it takes the form of PMs between our two involved parties. And it's also far more serious than previous bits. We'll be back to silly shit next time, I promise!

**ToffeeHouse** : Dio. I want to ask something of you.  
 **DIO** : Yes? What do you seek, Toffee?  
 **ToffeeHouse** : Could you please stop putting our relationship _"on blast"_ , so to speak?  
 **DIO** : Whatever do you mean?  
 **ToffeeHouse** : Cut the bullshit, man. You keep bringing up the fact that we're banging in the main chat.  
 **DIO** : I, DIO, cannot for the life of me comprehend what you're saying.  
 **ToffeeHouse** : I know that you know what I'm talking about. And that's not the only thing I know.  
 **ToffeeHouse** : I know that it causes discontent within the others. Not so much Daniel and Telence, those two are just focused on their own respective kinds of games.  
 **ToffeeHouse** : But it _definitely_ makes Pucci unwell. He's your dear friend, right? Then why are you doing this to him?  
 **ToffeeHouse** : Why do you keep reminding him that you aren't with _him_ , but with _me_? Why do you bring about so much strife in his heart?  
 **DIO** : ...  
 **ToffeeHouse** : He cares _so much_ about you, more than he cares about himself, even! But he'll never truly be the one you want laying next to you, because what you want is more or less a mirror.  
 **ToffeeHouse** : _I'm like you_. That's why you wanted me on-board. Because I _get_ you. Which is also why you want _me_ in your bed.  
 **ToffeeHouse** : It's as close as you can get to _screwing yourself_.  
 **DIO** : Are you quite done, Toffee?  
 **ToffeeHouse** : Yep.  
 **ToffeeHouse** : Wait, one more thing.  
 **DIO** : And that would be... ?  
 **ToffeeHouse** : We're out of 7-Up. You want me to go get some?  
 **DIO** : Yes. I'd appreciate the _hell_ out of that.


	5. Little Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Stuck in the Middle** : Is that really all there is? Shit, I did _way_ worse things in jail, and out of jail too!  
>  **Mi Ritmo** : vic. nobody needs to hear about your prison sexcapades. **_nobody._**
> 
> \----
> 
> Lanque gets the business end of an attempt at cancelling him, while Dio reveals a new member of the server!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn, I've really been neglecting this fic, haven't I? Anyway, this chapter was somewhat inspired by last month's beauty community drama. Somewhat.

**SilkySmooth** : _@everyone_ So, When Were you guys planning on telling me about this?  
 **ToffeeHouse** : Ugh, what are you waking me up for?  
 **DIO** : Waking _us_ up, actually.  
 **SilkySmooth** : Okay, so, from the top: this morning, I opened my phone up only to find that my tWitter Was bloWing up!  
 **SilkySmooth** : At first, I thought it Was about my political ambitions, because as you may or may not knoW, I'm planning on running for the spot of mayor of Hope ToWn.  
 **SilkySmooth** : It _Was_ related, but not in the Way you'd Want. Turns out, some backstabbing fake friend decided to take the occasion to mouth off and accuse me of shit!  
 **Mi Ritmo** : wow, i wonder what it is that you're being accused of. is it of being a promiscuous fucknut? or being a bit too hands-on with people?  
 **Stuck in the Middle** : Oyecomova, let's listen to him before making fun of him. There's gonna be plenty of time _after_ , trust me.  
 **SilkySmooth** : Thank you Vic. AnyWay, Lynera is her name, and she decided to spill some tea, as it Were. Allegedly, I behaVe in inappropriate Ways toWards guests at parties, up to and including letting my hands Wander all oVer people.  
 **ToffeeHouse** : Not to be rude or anything, but that sounds very much par the course for you. And for Dio, too.  
 **DIO** : Don't bring I, DIO, into this!  
 **SilkySmooth** : Really, this is just her trying to get back at me, because she's still a Virgin, While I get laid near nightly!  
 **Stuck in the Middle** : Is that really all there is? Shit, I did _way_ worse things in jail, and out of jail too!  
 **Mi Ritmo** : vic. nobody needs to hear about your prison sexcapades. **_nobody._**  
 **Kabutomushi** : This seems very petty. Are you sure that's all there is to it?  
 **SilkySmooth** : She also says that she can haVe Bronya back her up about my alleged abusiVe treatment of my matesprits, both past and present.  
 **DIO** : Are you telling I, DIO, that you woke us up... to vent about your dysfunctional relationships?  
 **SilkySmooth** : What, is there a problem With me doing that? It's either Vent noW, or let it all bubble up and possibly hand Burt the election in some fashion!  
 **ToffeeHouse** : Dio kinda does need his beauty sleep. He _did_ try to recruit somebody to the cause yesterday.  
 **Realg4m3rhours1337** : oh she's already in it to win it gamers  
 **DIO** : Quite. Gentlemen! I, DIO, present to you...

**DIO** has added **TheREALGrandmaster** to server **"Stairway to Heaven"**.

**DIO** : Frost, former Lin Kuei assassin.  
 **TheREALGrandmaster** : Sup, fuckboys.  
 **Mi Ritmo** : _finally_ , somebody i can relate to.


	6. Step Right Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **DIO** : Never underestimate the power of coke addicts, Lanque.  
>  **TheREALGrandmaster** : God, what the hell did I even sign up for.
> 
> \----
> 
> Frost witnesses the roll call of DIO's lackeys, and ends up more confused than anything.

**GUUDO** : You know, I'm honestly kinda glad Frost joined.  
 **Mi Ritmo** : you aren't gonna smash, daniel.  
 **GUUDO** : Oyecomova, shut up. I meant that she seems pretty reasonable, and not constantly horny at all times of the day.  
 **SilkySmooth** : Is that a shot at me, per chance?  
 **GUUDO** : Only partly. Because honestly, Lord DIO's just as horny on main as you are, if not _moreso_.  
 **Stuck in the Middle** : You still call him Lord though?  
 **Realg4m3rhours1337** : lmao we all do tbh  
 **ToffeeHouse** : Not _all_ of us.  
 **Ray Charles** : Any of y'all seen Gamzee around lately  
 **terminallyCapricious** : i'm all up and here my miraculous motherfuckin brother.  
 **terminallyCapricious** : I'M ALWAYS MOTHERFUCKIN HERE.  
 **Kabutomushi** : That's only _slightly_ worrying.  
 **TheREALGrandmaster** : I sure hope you guys aren't too busy sucking each other off right now, because I'd like to know a bit more about my new allies.  
 **GUUDO** : Alright, so I'm Daniel, some call me D'Arby the Gambler, and I'm... one of the more sane people here, if I do say so myself.  
 **Mi Ritmo** : not that much of an accomplishment, we're all nuts. i'm oyecomova, your local bomb-making anarchist.  
 **SilkySmooth** : I'm Lanque Bombyx, pleasure to meet you, Frost. Ignore the social media rumors, I'm no monster.  
 **Stuck in the Middle** : Nice joke, kid. I'm Mr. Blonde, first to tip the waitress when we go out to the diner.  
 **Realg4m3rhours1337** : sup im telence aka d'arby 2 and a pro gamer  
 **Kabutomushi** : I am Father Enrico Pucci, so if you ever need to confess some form of sin, I'm ready to listen.  
 **Ray Charles** : N'Doul here, I don't type a lot since I'm blind and all  
 **GUUDO** : Shit, then how _do_ you type? And how do you even _see_ what's been written?  
 **Ray Charles** : Geb's a whole lotta help there Daniel  
 **ToffeeHouse** : Of course, you know me already, we've met yesterday.  
 **DIO** : As the kids say, same. Which wraps it up!  
 **TheREALGrandmaster** : You aren't gonna let that last guy introduce himself? Gamzee, I think?  
 **Mi Ritmo** : trust me, you don't want to deal with him. guy's a goddamn headache.

\----

**GUUDO** : So, Frost, what makes _you_ special?  
 **TheREALGrandmaster** : Is that like a personal attack or something?  
 **GUUDO** : Not at all, I just want to know why Lord DIO wanted you onboard.  
 **TheREALGrandmaster** : I'm a cryomancer. I make ice and use it to attack.  
 **ToffeeHouse** : Like Pet Shop, but not a bird and also not murdering dogs out of the blue.  
 **DIO** : Don't talk shit about Pet Shop, Toffee! I, DIO, appreciate that bird very much, he's quite talented.  
 **SilkySmooth** : Then hoW come Tony Montana managed to outrun him?  
 **DIO** : Never underestimate the power of coke addicts, Lanque.  
 **TheREALGrandmaster** : God, what the hell did I even sign up for.

**Author's Note:**

> This is set in the same world as my other chatfic, "Newfangled technology, and the effects it has on the dead", and as such some events carry over.


End file.
